Category: Old Woman With No Cat
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The Old Woman With No Cat
The Keyboard Chaise Lounge(Or: A Feline Declaration of Workspace Sovereignty) The cat is stretched across the keyboard,full length,tail draped over the escape key,one paw resting softly on the space bar,as if he owns it, which, in his mind, he does. The Old Woman peers over the top of her knitting,needles paused,skepticism etched in her forehead.…
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The Old Woman With No Cat
The Birthday Surprise(Or: A Cat’s Guide to Celebrating Humans) The Old Woman wakes to find the kitchen transformed.Streamers (chewed, slightly).Balloons (deflated, mostly).And the cat, perched on the table,wearing a paper crown he clearly made himself(it says “KING KNUT” with a drawingof a sardine where the jewel should be). “Happy birthday,” he announces.“I have planned everything.You…
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The Old Woman With No Cat
The Cat’s Afternoon Philosophy The cat watches the Old Woman layer pickle on ham then cheese on a slice of bread, “Think of a sunbeam as a door,” begins the cat, “Step into it.You are gold.Warm.You are exactly where you should be. Then it moves.The door closes.You are you again, slightly chilled,slightly wronged. This is…
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The Old Woman With No Cat
The Cat and the Cloud(Or: A Feline Declaration of War on Weather) The cat lies sprawled in his sunbeam,belly up,eyes half-closed, when a cloud drifts lazily across the skyand steals his light. He blinks.Warmth gone.Shadow.Cold.The impertinence of it. He sits up,ears flat,tail bristling. “Old Woman,” he hisses,“that cloud is messingwith my sunny spot.My carefully curatedafternoon…
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The Old Woman With No Cat
The Cat and the Man in the Moon(Or: A Feline Lunar Audit) The cat sits on the windowsill,nose pressed to the glass,tail curled around its paws,gazing up at the pale, glowing coinof the full moon. “Old Woman,” he says,without turning,“I don’t see a man’s face.I’ve been studying.Intently.For minutes now.And there is no man.There is a…
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The Old Woman With No Cat
The Old Woman’s Waffle Iron Predicts the Future The waffle iron arrivesthrift-shop-worn and hissing. Its hinges creak like gypsy’s bones,its non-stick grids etched with symbolsthat might be Nordic runes. The old woman pours batter, and the first prophecy bubbles up:“BEWARE THE 3RD TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK.”She flips it, and squints:“Also, your cat is definitely plotting…
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The Old Woman With No Cat
The Old Woman Teaches Poker(A Lesson in Literal Interpretations) The Old Woman lays the tools on the table: “Right,” she says,“The book said ‘Poker’is a game of fire and nerve.” The cat stares.Its expression suggeststhis may bethe stupidest momentin human history. “You poke the fire,” she explains,“and then I will poke it.We see who flinches…
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The Old Woman With No Cat
The Cat On Lavender(Or: A Feline Critique of Sanitary Accommodations) The Old Woman kneels in the evening light,gloved hands pressing soilinto a glorious blue-glazed pot,the scent of lavenderrising like a prayer. The cat sits beside her,tail curled neatly around his paws,observing the air,a discerning criticat a garden show. “So much better,” he says,“than the dusty…
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The Old Woman With No Cat
The Poll Deed Form(Or: A Feline Declaration of Independence) Question 4: Reason for name change. The cat hesitates.Taps the pen.Stares out the window.Sighs — a deep, theatrical sigh,the kind that shifts tectonic platesand alerts the neighbours. Then he writes: “I have outgrown the name I was given by a shed and a previous life.I am…
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The Old Woman With No Cat
Tuesday, Explained by a Cat The cat motions the old womanto the armchair with one deliberate paw. “Sit.We need to talk …about Tuesday.” She sits.He leaps onto the armrest,tail wrapped around his feet like a professor’s robe. “Tuesday,” he begins,“is not a day.It is a concept.A flawed concept. Exhibit A: Monday has purpose.It is universally…
