It's Still Life

Rebooting an Old Poem for dVerse

Here are two versions of the same piece. One is the original; the other is a revised version. I’m not saying which is which, or what is what. Any preference?

 
1: The Chop

Dad chopped firewood every day,
until Parkinson’s stopped him.
His axe, abandoned
in a block of cedar —
sunk deep as a bad memory.
And there is stayed.
For years.
’til the blade rusted,
and then
the handle fell off.

 

2:The Chop

My dad chopped wood every day
until he couldn’t anymore.
That Parkinson’s stopped him,
and one day he just walked away
from his axe, left in the
chopping block. Sunk it deep
as a tremor. Or a bad memory.
And there it stayed. For years.
Eventually it rusted angry-red
and the wooden handle fell off.

 

written and revised to a dVerse prompt

Misky

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11 responses to “Rebooting an Old Poem for dVerse”

  1. Walter J. Wojtanik avatar
    Walter J. Wojtanik

    My suspicion is that two is the revision. Seems more descriptive and tight. Parkinson’s is surely a thief, as it robs functionality long before it steals life. Some agree, it does both at once. Both poems are striking, Marilyn!

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    1. Misky avatar
      Misky

      I won’t say which is which yet. 🙂 And you’re right about Parkinson’s. My dad was a postman. He walked for a living, so he was in unbelievably good shape. And he was the most intelligent man I’ve ever met. Eventually, his body became his enemy. Then his sight went so he couldn’t read or watch TV. Then his hearing went. But his brain was still sharp as a pin. And that was more the pity because that intelligence was trapped for years inside with nowhere to go. Thank you for reading this one, Walt. 😀

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      1. Walter J. Wojtanik avatar
        Walter J. Wojtanik

        Cetainly. I’ve heard from many people the phrase of Parkinson’s making one an enemy of their body. My father-in-law suffered very much as you’ve described. At the end, he was a silent shell! Thank you for writing this one, Marilyn!

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  2. Sumana Roy avatar
    Sumana Roy

    “rusted angry-red” & also “tremor” tell me this one as the second version…both poems are so vivid of the aftermath of the disease…

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  3. little learner avatar
    little learner

    I like different things in each version.
    I like “block of cedar” in the first. I can smell it.
    And I like “rusted angry-red” in the second. I can feel it.
    Such interesting edits! Thanks for posting.

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  4. kanzensakura avatar
    kanzensakura

    Both poems are excellent. It seems the second is the revision because it is tighter and packs more of a punch. In addition to Alzheimer’s, my mom has Parkinsons. Dreadful disease.

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  5. Victoria C. Slotto avatar
    Victoria C. Slotto

    I like both poems a lot and relate to them. My dad went through the same thing and I wrote of it in a poem somewhere on my blog titled “Alternate Uses for a Steak Knife.”

    I rather like the more poetic structure of the first poem, the starkness of the form that seems to match the horror of the disease…but some of those descriptive phrases in the second poem are just perfect, like rusted angry red. My thought, if it were mine, is keep the first and add aspects of the second. That’s what I think I will do with the one I submitted.

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  6. Grace avatar
    Grace

    Both are very good Misky, but I suspect the second one is the revised one. Love the details of : Sunk it deep
    as a tremor. Or a bad memory.
    and
    rusted angry-red.

    The first one is also just as good, smiles.

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  7. Rosemary Nissen-Wade avatar
    Rosemary Nissen-Wade

    Both very good. I’d say the second os the revision. But that’s not what you asked. I think I prefer the second, but it’s hard to choose. Each has strengths. Th second is grammatically better (which doesn’t necessarily mean poetically better). It does seem fuller, but in places maybe a little too profuse … whereas the first packs a punch with its simplicity, yet has an almost jaunty feel to it which seems less appropriate to the subject matter. I think the second version might be tightened a little, so you end up with something that has the strengths of both. (Someone suggested that to me – rightly, I think – about my own attempt at this exercise, so I pass it on to you.)

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    1. Misky avatar
      Misky

      I’ll certainly give these suggestions a lot of consideration. The second is the revised the version, but I still like the first one best for its bare-bone feel. It hadn’t occurred to me that it felt “jaunty”, and I’ll have to consider how to address that. Thank you, Rosemary! >

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  8. Sanaa Rizvi (@rizvi_sanaa) avatar
    Sanaa Rizvi (@rizvi_sanaa)

    I agree, both poems represent fiery emotion and are very well executed 🙂

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Your comments are always welcome